The Depths Of Hell Where I Have Been

You experience the void of where I have been and it does not exist.

You experience the want you have and it does not exist.

You experience the need you have and it does not exist.

What does exist is the memory of the need, the want, the void.

I cry on wanted shoulders. I cry on shoulders that do not want. The wanting cries on shoulders.

Crossroads are where I am at and feels as if my existence has been here too long. I grieve for my crying, I grieve for my cryings wanting, I grieve for my cryings wanting to know there is less sadness worth crying for.

Why do I grieve so now? The now is wanting to know. The now knows. The now is jealous of the know.

There is another baby in my belly. This baby is weaker. This baby hides. This baby is scared and wants to run and hide. She is gone. Nothing, nothing more to say of her of her that runs and hides.

She is there. She is over there, and here? Not sure. She wants to place herself here and there in the existence of man and yet is puzzled why the wanting of such a menial task.

She places herself as she sees she must, here and there and everywhere and yet she is able to catch herself and wonder why???

Is this something she feels is thrust upon her from the himself masculine trait. Confusion reigns in her belly, in her legs, in her heart, her head and becomes confused for the senseless actions and feelings that she has been consumed by. This when she knows it is non of the above since it is becoming neither and both.

When does the she become the I and we that is able to move past the severe remembrance of the great pain inside. The great pain inside that she is so so so so so afraid to show. Will this remembrance of pain that she thought may have left her, ever be gone? Is she chosen to keep this. The why is the question and not. There is always the question.

There is always the question. This I know without a doubt. What aches my heart sooooo much at this time to write these past pages is that of this time I truly do not feel-truly- any love for me other then my own. My heart brakes now.

The void is there now.

Moments later-still struggling-focusing on the opposite to different aspects in the room. So tired now. So tired. Dreams of being tired last night.

She chooses to confront the masculine and knows it is the father. It is the father in her mind and sky. It is the father above. She ask why? The father says "because you have been chosen!" The she is afraid. The she that knows she is he and he is above and below she. He is that which she is not and is. Too SIMPLIFIED. YOU/I know better then that.

Empty now-that is what I feel. Exhaustion as well. Confusion. Not sure where to go. No human arms to go to, this I grieve for.

The beauty of tears running down the face.

I AM JUST FEELING.



Monday, February 4th, 2008

I have not wanted to look at the previous passage from several days ago until now. The now only prompted me to look because of an artist site that I was on. The artist is allowing herself the beautiful raw exposure of expression no matter how painful. This scares me to do it in the publics eye other then my painting and yet I know I must. I feel as if in this lifetime I have lived thousands of lives and it can be overwhelming.

Scared am I to be thought a fraud if I did not expose myself as deeply-no scared am I of feeling all that I have kept subdued-yes. I feel as if I might never return if I do.